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Patients say the funniest things….

on Oct 27 in Humor tagged by admin

Here are some good ones we have heard, please post yours below as well.

I was interviewing an elderly man who was being admitted to my unit. I finally got to the cardiovascular conditions and asked him if he had angina. He replied “Why no! That is a female part.” – Submitted by April Cummings
When I was a student a nursing colleague of mine was asked by a patient if his testes had gone black. Silently she pulled the screens around the bed, asked him to drop his pyjama bottoms and had a look. ‘No everythings fine,’ she reassured him, ‘What made you think something was wrong?’ ‘I didn’t think anything was wrong,’ he replied, ‘I only asked if my test results had come back.’ Submitted by: Julia Macdonald

One day, we had a very confused patient sitting at the nursing station. We kept her near the nursing station so we could monitor her safety. The woman kept insisting to all who could hear that she was pregnant and in labor. Our medical director came walking down the hall just in time to hear all the commotion. He began to assess her and interview her regarding her “labor pains”. He asked the patient exactly how she could have become pregnant at her age. She gave him a very bewildered look and said matter-of-factly ‘Why if you don’t know by now doctor, I don’t feel like it’s my place to tell you!’

Someone at work posted a copy of some of the stories from your site so I had to look it up myself. I especially enjoyed this section.” One question on our admission form is designed to assess a patient’s orientation: “where are you now?” Many times the answer is “I’m right here!” Enjoyed the site and I’ll be back.

A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” instructed the nurse. “Yes, they used to be,” remorsed the patient.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, Cover your right eye with your hand.” He read the 20/20 line perfectly. “Now your left.” Again, a flawless read. “Now both,” I requested. There was silence He couldn’t even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered.

A nurses’ aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed,”You’re not coming in here with me. This is a one-seater.”

During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. “Which one?”, asked the doctor. “The patch.” The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!” The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn’t see….Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been bedridden?” After a look of complete confusion she answered, “Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive.”

And of course, the best is saved for last…. A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?” “It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”